Mountains and Molehills
by SuperMegaFoxyAwesomeHot
Summary: Ficlet: Blaine comes home to a bunch of weird nicknames from Santana and a very melodramatic Kurt. He's got this whole Good Fiance thing down pat, though.


**I feel like this is mostly word vomit, but I hope it's cute!**

* * *

Blaine knew he wasn't the most perceptive of people, but even he could tell something was awry when Santana greeted him with a cheerful, "Hey, Clarice!" one afternoon.

"Uh, hi, Santana," he said, plunking his messenger bag down by the loft's door. "Am I supposed to understand that reference?"

"Have you never seen a Claymation Christmas special before, Hermey?" Santana asked, looking disgusted. "Aren't us gays supposed to be super culturally savvy?"

"It's kind of the middle of Ju-"

"Just can it, Cindy Lou. You wasted my best material," Santana scoffed. She snatched up her phone and her old diner uniform before heading for the door, calling out "Anyways, I've gotta go. Gunther somehow missed the memo that _I don't actually live here anymore _and wants to have a meeting with me about all the shifts I've 'skipped.' I'm planning on going out clubbing after that, so leave the door open for me, Rudy, okay?"

Blaine just stood there, feeling a little like he'd been hit by a freight train. "Kurt? Why was Santana insulting me with Christmas-y nicknames?" he yelled once he regained some clarity of thought. "Also, why are you hiding in the bathroom?"

"I'm too humiliated to show my face in public," Kurt said, hiding his face in a hand towel when Blaine pushed the curtains aside and wandered in. "And I thought Santana was you when she came in without warning, so she got on one of her tangents after seeing my disfigurement. That 'Rudy' was directed at me, not you."

"Disfigurement?" Blaine asked, crouching down near Kurt. "What, did you develop a red-and-green tree shaped rash? Because I have no idea what would cause that, really."

"It's worse than that," Kurt said, half-sobbing. "I can never leave the house again."

"You're growing antlers?"

"I'm not – just look, Blaine," Kurt said, apparently disgusted with Blaine's ineptitude at guessing. He dropped the towel, revealing-

"A zit?" Blaine said, peering closer.

"No, get away! You might go blind if you get too close," Kurt said, leaning back from his perch on the closed toilet seat.

"Babe, I can barely see it," Blaine said, still staring. "If the skin near it wasn't so red, I probably wouldn't even know it was there. But that still doesn't explain the Christmas jokes."

"Blaine. It's on the tip of my nose," Kurt said. "What pop culture icon has a bright red, glowing nose?"

"Oh. Oh!" Blaine said, feeling the lightbulb click on above his head. "That makes a lot more sense. The only Clarice I could think of was the one from the Hannibal Lecter movies, and frankly, I was a little nervous."

"No, I only _look _like a terrifying, people-eating monster," Kurt said, pulling the towel back over his face.

"You do _not_," Blaine said, standing up and grabbing some of Kurt's astringent and a cotton ball. "Have you swabbed any of this on yet?"

Kurt's head shook minutely.

"Well then how about you do whatever maintenance needs to be done to your face while I grab us both a big, refreshing glass of water to flush out our pores from the inside?" Blaine said. He took one of Kurt's hands and started pulling him upright, Kurt letting himself be manipulated easily. "And then we can have a spa and movie night? We just bought that Marlene Dietrich box set and I saw this cool face mask recipe on Pinterest!"

"Your ideas intrigue me and I'd like to sign up for your newsletter," Kurt said, dropping the towel again to reveal a tiny, hopeful smile. "Do you offer membership packages?"

"I'm offering a free trial called Fiance right now," Blaine said, smirking. "If you like it, you can upgrade to the full-time plan, Husband."

"Sold," Kurt said, wrapping his arms around Blaine.

"Good, because I don't offer that plan to just anyone, Mr. Hummel," Blaine said, sinking into the hug. "You, sir, just got a special, one-of-a-kind deal."

"Does that mean I get bragging rights?"

"You can get whatever you want. Now c'mon, we've got to stake our claim on the couch now before Santana drags home some rando," Blaine said, stepping out of Kurt's embrace just to get up on his tiptoes and plant a tiny kiss on the place where his forehead met his nose. "I'll make the face masks, you organize our moisturizing routines?"

"Sounds good to me," Kurt said, grabbing a few of his products off the nearby shelf.

"Just a part of the package, baby."

"Does the package include _other _services, may I ask?"

"For you? Always."

"Yeah, I'm definitely going to have to spring for the Husband deal."

Blaine let out a long, obnoxious "_Yessssss_" and pumped his fist in victory as he exited the bathroom, ignoring the towel Kurt flung at him as he did.


End file.
